Kind of. Focus on the talent you have in front of you and you’ll always be okay. Vir Das: Abroad Understanding 2017 TV-MA 1h 5m Stand-Up Comedy Comedian Vir Das tackles nationalism, globalism, good food and bad politics in two cleverly crosscut performances in … You couldn’t draw a tricep, you son of a bitch?” Hindus, I think the first time our God Ganesha walked into a temple, he was like, “What the fuck is that? She’s talented. Like, if I went to my parents, “Mom, Dad, I’m dyslexic,” they’d be like, “Shut up, boys are not meant to be with boys.” But… By the way, if you’re dyslexic, being gay is a great choice. “Is this your top-of-the-line model?” “Yes!” “Well, what makes this one top-of-the-line?” “Sir, this one has four wheels. His wife, our lead Goddess, was a lady by the name of Sita. Really feel out the space. It’s feminism, not the Gymkhana Club. It’s my childhood, guys. They’re like, “Mrs. If you are enrolling a boy, somebody has to enroll a girl. New poor. There are movies, merchandise, theme parks. There’s too many guys. Last month, I went back to my college, Knox College in Galesburg, Illinois. The Times of India is the largest circulated newspaper in the world. What the hell do I do?” So I panic and I run out of this restaurant, and I see that the waitress is running after me. Keep your shit together. Do you know how many people you would have to murder in India to get that level of security? But we only had enough furniture for one bedroom. You know what I’m talking about. That’s Indian feminism. This is our God. The minute I say the word “Africa…” …but then after that… you guys think of, like, tribes or nature or wildlife or malaria. I promise you. Who is that sad, skinny guy? We all are fans of Vir Das's comic timing. I have balls. Racism is a very inclusive movement, guys. Keep it down. This is our Mother. Pretty much anywhere but temples, churches and mosques. You’re the one. And really, what could be more Indian than a fake American accent? You see the Queen of England behind her just picking that shit up. I learned… …that your talent belongs to you… and weirdly, your reputation belongs to other people. Fact! Nobody does. My DNA is everywhere. I don’t see a sun roof.” “Yes, sir, but the roof is made of tin. Come here. Anybody can be a racist. But there might be a day in your life when you need to go to therapy, when you need help, and that’s okay. That’s my strategy. They’re like, “Uh, Vir, could you count from one to 20?” Which I do, and the Sardars are suitably impressed. Does this achieve anything? It is Friday night, three o’clock in the morning. Because that, like… ‘Cause I don’t think he goes to those places. I had to leave. I do not believe in the equality of the sexes. All of a sudden, you hear… And a big cow comes and sits down in the center of the movie. The rest of you, you have to read it. I love Indian people. I’m sorry. Then I got thirsty, went into the house, had some pani, came out, beat him some more.” Which is not the appropriate answer to my question or, when you think about it, is the appropriate answer to every question because at that moment, you’re not thinking about your breakup. JOHN MULANEY: SNL MONOLOGUE (2020) – TRANSCRIPT, RONNY CHIENG: ASIAN COMEDIAN DESTROYS AMERICA (2019) – TRANSCRIPT, MICHAEL MCINTYRE: SHOWMAN (2020) – TRANSCRIPT, ROB SCHNEIDER: ASIAN MOMMA, MEXICAN KIDS (2020) – TRANSCRIPT. Number one, I have now masturbated in all 33 of those countries. She can just think of it and 20 “its” will line up outside her door. India’s biggest star spreading his arms and a girl runs towards him. “This is our Mother. Yes! Fucking Vodafone wouldn’t call me. Plus, LGBTQ just sounds like a dyslexic kid trying to spell a big word. And those three Sardars are in my next story. Single-hero comic books. And I think the only country in the world that can make that peace happen is you. Who drew that shit? Men have to show strength all the time in physical activities. I spoke to one and she said, “If you want to be a good feminist, forget how you treat women, begin with how you view yourself as a man because 80% of masculinity is bullshit.” And you think about that… Like, aren’t you tired of being a man? And when you do that shit, you discover that only Shahrukh Khan can pull that off. I was trying to get more famous really fast. Here’s the right one. You should have seen her in 2014. Like America has the First Response, call these guys the Worst Response. The dictionary defines feminism as the advocacy of equal rights based on the equality of the sexes. My check was $42. Hallowed be thy name… Yalla be thy name. Why? So, for the Americans, let’s recap the story of The Ramayan. The world will be okay when every religion in the world learns to have some fun and chill the fuck out. Calm down. I called him Baba. Comedian Vir Das critics nationalism, globalism and bad politics in two performances in New York and New Delhi. Two things. He walked in performing. If you had appendicitis, raise your hands. “I, uh, think he’s still awake.” “Hainji? Nothing is going well. And I think it’s because I started to believe in God. Thank you so much. Every time we try to draw the guy, somebody gets shot. And nobody knows what the story is. It’s not a Punjabi sound I’m familiar with. Fourteen! And then, honestly, I didn’t think about you guys for 15 years. So I will not do that. Imagine you boarded a Lufthansa flight and your pilot was Captain Thansa. I think for God, man is that friend. Maybe you have a heartbreak. I’m just here for the beef. I was 16 years old. Symbolically and visually. Maybe it’s because half the shit that I’ve told you tonight is a complete lie. A new religion of peace when Muslims and Christians can come together and pray in harmony. I realize I’m being a bit unfair, comparing McDonald’s to malaria. They put a plastic cap on my face. I’m just dyslexic. With no training or formal experience, my mother was Doordarshan’s top newsreader in one week. We need something to rest on, right?\ Just… Structure. Give us this day our pitta bread. Now it’s election strategy. There’s Eid-ster. She’s beautiful. I can’t write joint letters. It’s a really old comic book. That’s all it took. Sita went missing. In Lagos, Nigeria, but see, when I say the word “Africa,” firstly, some musical shit happens in your head, right? I’m in therapy because I lost 80% of my mind. Do you know how important it is for a boy to have his own room at 16? Toothpaste is going to come out of your ears? Every time a woman in India wears something revealing, like many of you are doing tonight, Indian men say shit like, “Oh, she’s asking for it.” Am I wrong, ladies? Um… I’m Dr. Das now. And the worst thing about Mastizaade, there’s no defense for how bad that movie was. Not ours, yours. Bounty hunter Sharkey tracks criminals across the galaxy in his converted, rocket-powered ice-cream truck -- with help from his 10-year-old partner. That’s how Indian aunties go shopping like ninjas. You know, where Christians and Muslims get together and dress up as the people who scare them. I know what you are thinking. To limit… To limit a woman to the achievements of a man is to ask a scientist to become a monkey. Fair? After beginning a career in standup comedy, Vir moved to Hindi cinema starring in films like Delhi Belly, Go Goa Gone and Badmaash Company. And the thing is, I’m not stupid. Big, big balls.” Come, look at my balls. I’m sorry, Indians, “filet migg-non”. I lived that dream. And then my government banned beef and I was like, “You know, an international career might not be such a bad thing!” Make no mistake. How big is it? They’re, like, so smart. Oh, as somebody who grew up in Africa, it made me so happy to see… You know, it just made me happy to see African voices and African perspectives and African fashion, packaged together beautifully to make money for nine white people. And then Sonu Nigam wakes up. It’ll happen because of you, you, you. We live in San Jose. Because in those beautiful five seconds when you fall asleep at night, when your dreams mesh into your reality… all a scientist dreams of being… …is a monkey. If you remove 80% of the bullshit in religion, it’s just a really cool story. I believe I have ‘accendipitis’.” And my teacher was like, “I think that boy’s gay.” So, now I’m just in the hospital eating ice cream for two weeks. Where is Brown Cow? I’m like the Genghis Khan of the Holiday Inn chain. I believe we deserve equal rights. Good evening, San Francisco. And you’re like, “Man, I wanna do that some day.” And I did. And then I watch as his life falls apart in front of me. Security. You wake up on Saturday, you go to the “chosque.” And there’s great festivals in Chrislam, guys. I lost 80% of my religion this year. I just thought it was time to really embrace my roots, you know, and to make my comedy more authentically Indian. © 2020 Scraps from the Loft. There’s first, second… third… …third… …third… and fourth. He was the greatest storyteller I ever met. You see this shit? I grew up in Africa. You’re so stupid, you believe anything. If there’s one thing we can learn from racists, it’s less talk, more action. It will come from religions. No, in reality, 20% of India is smart, but it’s a population game, so we get away with it. Vir Das: Losing It (2018) – Full Transcript December 15, 2018 The world's got a lot of problems, but Vir Das has a lot of answers as he discusses … She can just ask for it. But in today’s world, we don’t need to speak English because we have social media. Eventually, all I did was really learn a lesson. But you won’t always be here… I promise you. Why do I squeeze his hand so hard? Ram, Laxman, Sita in the forest together for 14 years. We are producing our body weight in sperm on a daily basis when we are 16. Yeah. I read the script. You don’t need a membership card. Really? We see Shahrukh Khan on TV. They didn’t ban beef. Ram got pissed. Go to the forest and get me a deer. You can just feel it… on the inside. In the middle of the forest they saw a beautiful golden deer. How dare you? He struggled.” I did not struggle. All right, uh… And now all three of us are just awkwardly looking at each other because everybody in the hospital is still very much awake. If a man got up on a stage and told people that in the last two years, he had lost his fame, his fortune, his patriotism, his nationality, his religion, his credibility, his masculinity and his mind, is he even a man? This is our God. You get to ask for it. Well done, racists. The next day, all we could do was sit around and tell stories about how he told cool stories. The filet mignon. Directed by Marcus Raboy. Did you see Black Panther? Our lead God was a God by the name of Ram. And he says, “Vir, your stomach was not hurting, was it?” – “It is sore…” – “Shut up! You think women care about what women wear? What is this?
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